Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Amish Country | OneFootball

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC @ AMISH COUNTRY…

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 6/10 – Stay frosty, as a great man once advised. And Kasper was alert enough to make a fine stop from a late snap shot, covering himself in a fleeting wash of glory to silence the, ‘Haud it” doubters after a dubious punch in the first-half.

WAYNE GRETZKY – 7/10 – Pleasantly surprised to see him start given recent injury worries and impending mega-games. But this was another storming Bullwinkle. J. Moose caper from the archives (see what I did there, classic American cartoon fans?). The AJ and Kuhn partnership may be the unlikeliest from your fever dreams, but they’re forming a regular Han Solo and Chewy dynamic. Where Nick opens up, AJ surges in, or draws fire and leaves the German Jinky space to operate.

GREGGS THE BAKER – 6.5/10 – What happened? Off at Half-time to much bemusement and concern. May have had something to do around the contretemps with MIB and assorted officials near the break about events over on his wing? At the time I presumed he was just complaining about the conglomeration of wee Perth edgelords in the stands near him; maybe the bitterness reeking out of them? However, we will see what’s reported. Prior to his enforced absence he’d been instrumental in prising open the packed resistance, delightful ball in for the third goal.

OF JUSTICE – 6.5/10 – A near template-Liam-90-minutes against SPL cannon-fodder; a few eccentric moments early on until he gets his footing and sights set and then near flawless for the remainder. Extra half point for his unheralded contribution to the critical opening goal – his fine win on a contested header from their goal-kick set it all up. Just needs to get warmed into it quicker and deny opposition any hope.

CRUSTY THE CLOWN – 7/10 – Roll up, roll up – the circus has hit town and Crusty is available for local yokels to play the ‘bump into the hooped newbie and fall over’ game, whereby the Bhoys will be penalised and he’ll get to understand the ‘welcome to Scotland’ level of refereeing. The fact that we did have a meathead bouncing off him, seemingly concussed was – to me – a promising sign of our new Yankee stalwart’s robust nature. Not his Falkirk stuttering this week – he looked athletic and purposeful, with a good leap and a turn of pace.

St Johnstone v Celtic –  Callum McGregor celebrates scoring our fourth goal of the game during the Scottish Premiership match at McDiarmid Park, Perth on Saturday September 28, 2024 Photo Jane Barlow

CALMAC – 7.5/10 – From deep-lying fulcrum to gunslinger; Calmac is now a man prepared to shoot more randomly than Ron Jeremy and give us orgasmic moments of net-bulging spectacle. Today’s was a sizzling daisy-cutter after an hour and more of bossing the middle and securing a triumph with sheer graft and guile that is second-nature to the priceless skipper.

St Johnstone v Celtic – Paulo Bernardo celebrates scoring our second goal of the game during the Scottish Premiership match at McDiarmid Park, Perth on Saturday September 28, 2024. Photo Jane Barlow

SAINT BERNARDO – 8.5/10 MOTM – Questions posed all week as to whether he’d retain a place. After last Sunday’s solo turn? Of course – BR is a meritocratic manager at core and cohesive work is rewarded. So with their congested tactical plan, maybe the cuteness of Reo’s game would be more suited? No, in stepped Paulo to the O’Reily role of tin-opener.

Watch his movement and touch – perfectly pitched for the requirements; way ahead of the game, poised to lay-off or play-in (touch and delivery for Daizen’s header, sumptuous), or in his own special moment – whip-in; sweet as they come that strike for his goal. We won a watch nicking this Portuguese kid-captain for the price we got him. Bookmark that.

THE TERMINATOR – 6/10 – Hark, the herald Engels… doesn’t sing. A quiet one, though not lacking class. His match was all about tireless movement, shifting their midfield around. Paulo got the benefit with space to produce magic. Arnie sufficed with one superb late disguised pass just to remind us the arsenal he carries.

St Johnstone v Celtic –  Daizen Maeda celebrates scoring our fifth goal of the game during the Scottish Premiership match at McDiarmid Park, Perth on Saturday September 28, 2024. Photo Jane Barlow

LORD KATSUMOTO – 8/10 – Madman, humble warrior, beloved mascot, superhuman manga character; all in one furious dynamo who will be spoken of in legendary tones down the decades. Skelper of a volley denied by mibbery, iced by a raucous diving heider from a movie climax as Daizen got his just reward for another maniacal tear-up of the opposition’s physical fortitude and psyche. Tavpen’s ‘Frightmare’ has many sequels to come and we’re stacking up the popcorn.

St Johnstone v Celtic –  Kyogo Furuhashi celebrates scoring our first goal of the game during the Scottish Premiership match at McDiarmid Park, Perth on Saturday September 28, 2024. Photo Jane Barlow

KILLER MUSHROOM – 8/10 – ‘Miss one, miss two…Third I screw you.’ Says the hieroglyph tattoo on the back of Kyogo’s neck, just for defenders to read as they chase. Jamesy has something identaical on a different part of the anatomy, and with a completely different meaning. Tonight, worries about the wee mhan’s bluntenss after two snatched misses were proven needless folly as he tucked in two in ten minutes with aplomb. Movement and murder in Perth; showing tonight at McDiarmid Park. Still await the hat-trick he’s deserved for a while. Probably Tuesday, then…

TAKINTE – 7.5/10 – A pleasant visit to Scotland’s gingham, barbour and corduroy county for our Fatherland bhoy as the predominantly Amish population there all apparently speak a form of Pennsylvanian Germanic. And he looked comfortable from the start; heavily involved in the first-half seige, always in or around the flair moves. He continues his inspiring season with more uplifting footwork and clever football, with no sign of relenting. Excellent.

SUBS –

HAKUNA HATATE – N/A – Reo still appears to be off it and out of synch at times. The only sub who didn’t have a good romp around.

St Johnstone v Celtic – Adam Idah scores our sixth goal of the game during the Scottish Premiership match at McDiarmid Park, Perth on Saturday September 28, 2024.Photo Jane Barlow

DUNCAN IDAHO – 6/10 – Delicate precision for the big mhan’s finish; now we’re always expecting a goal contribution and he didn’t disappoint as fitness rises and sharpness refines.

JAMESY – 6/10 – I’ll have some of that, thought Jamesy (yes, yes, ‘as ever’…) and indulged himself for his brief spell with intricate patterns of play and darting runs.

St Johnstone v Celtic –  Callum McGregor celebrates with team-mates after scoring our fourth goal of the game during the match at McDiarmid Park, Perth on Saturday September 28, 2024. Photo Jane Barlow

HIGHLAND TOFFEE – 6.5/10 – Richard Jobson has feet to match the voice – I like the lhad’s gallusness; here to live the dream and contribute as much as he can in his time. Thwarted by the keeper and post for personal elation but praise due in abundance for the Tiger Woods dink that led to the glorious 6th.

UNCANNY – 6/10 – Well, he might give some viewers uneasy Bernabei flashbacks with his physical stature and style but there’s also impact with this kid who’s not afraid to play the Barca way; uplifting arse-off-seat magic as he trap-flicked Luke’s sand-wedge right into the path of barnstorming Idah for the evening’s crowning goal.

THE NOTAPRODDYGAL – 7.5/10 – Changes? After last week? That’ll be flaming right… BR didn’t say in the presser, but you know he wanted to. Rightly rewarded Paulo with a gig, Reo left to ponder if he’ll be in Tuesday, though that looks less than likely. But the regular Rodgers’ side went to town in the finest blend yet of counter-pressing intensity and eventually obliterated Saint’s defiance in bursts of breathtaking cohesion.

He’s getting what he wants after so much hit or miss last season. Compromises seem to have been made with players who all look a lot cheerier than ever; now he gets his biggest test yet on Tuesday of the Rodgers reconstruction; a defining 90 minutes coming up…

MIBBERY – 5/10 – Aw, what an effort. Keeping with NFL practices, we got a MIB flag on the play as they attempted to paint our new American CB as a LB (that’s ‘Linebacker’ for the uninformed or disinterested…).Dopey bar stewards actually forced that one to stick as the clock ticked over the half hour and their fervent prayers of a Perth upset looked to have caught Baphomet’s ear.

Buuuutttt…

They knew it. The forces of light have powered-up tenfold this time out and the barrage of green and white terror made them cast a mind to the 20th century barrages that had their grandfathers and great-grandfathers hiding in shipyards. So, in tribute to those resourceful forefathers, they too hid for the rest of the one-sided conflict while the good ghuys won.

OVERALL – 8.5/10 – Struggle? In Perth? Once upon a time, maybe… For half an hour of chin-stroking stalemate here, there was a glimmer of past wrought afternoons and late winners. But the Bhoys stood up to chicanery and dazzled us with some scintillating – probably will be the most used adjective in coming months – footy, and Playstation FIFA goals. A perfect jolly in the countryside to tune-in for the heady realms of Tuesday’s gladiatorial event. It’ll be the Yellow Wall we face in the NW Rhineland, a tad more intimidating than the black Primark trackie-clad baw-fiddling wee collective of Perthshire ultras in their ‘Plukey Wall’.

This Celtic team – squad, actually – appear to have some top-level grit about them that we’ll see stress-tested to its limit in the CL, never more so than in Dortmund. Curiously, I’m feeling a bit more optimistic about Euro aways this time around; it may be a psychotic break from reality, or perhaps subconsciously-calculated accuracy given the sophistication of our footballing level this season, or – likely – just the Guinness…

Anyway, salut for that Saturday night delight, and see you handsome mother… (non-binary term of endearment) on Tuesday.

Go Away Now

Sandman

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