Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Roy of the Rovers

The Celtic Star

·9 February 2025

Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Roy of the Rovers

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC V ROY OF THE ROVERS…

“Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes Turn and face the strange Ch-ch-changes There’s gonna have to be a different man Who’ll play alright In the Hoops tonight…” – David Bowie, ‘Changes’

VIDAL SASSOON – 6/10 – “Kasper told me it wis is easy – ye just hang aboot the post, learn the words ‘o some songs, an’ get a wee pass now and then.” So he did, and threw in a few punches for a bit of a laugh. Wonder if he cut Jota’s barnet?

Anthony Ralston of Celtic is challenged by Dylan Easton of Raith Rovers during the Scottish Cup match between Celtic FC and Raith Rovers FC at Celtic Park on February 08, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

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TONY THE TIGER – 7/10 – Splendid shift from The Brickie. Not fazed working outdoors in the deep freeze, he was revelling in cup-tie aggro and capped his night with a stunning delivery for the fourth.

Jeffrey Schlupp of Celtic is seen prior to the Celtic FC v Raith Rovers FC – Scottish Cup match at Celtic Park on February 08, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

SCHLUPPTHE ‘RA – 6.5/10 – A comfortably big unit slotted into the vacant space usually occupied by the smaller busier worker-bee that is Greggs. Once settled in the role, he appeared a very able interchangeable left-back. Deputising for the tenacious baker doesn’t look like it will be a stretch or indeed, any loss for our overall synchronicity. Looks like a common-sense footballing pro with perhaps a bit of flair up his big sleeves. Which he wore long. ‘Cos he’s from Landan and a bit soft…

Jamie Gullan of Raith Rovers controls the ball whilst under pressure from Dane Murray of Celtic during the Scottish Cup match between Celtic FC and Raith Rovers FC at Celtic Park on February 08, 2025.(Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

GREAT DANE – 6/10 – Villa PTSD? Well, if he was still being haunted like the faux-marble staircase in Mordor – where, it is said, you can still hear the sounds of someone drowning, calling for help, before the ‘clunk’ of oar on skull casts the hallway into eerie, deathly silence… – then tonight was the ideal therapy session. And the youngster kept his head, won his battles and made this game his last – as in, ‘you’re only as good as your last game.’ So now he’s perfectly fine.

Liam Scales of Celtic runs with the ball whilst under pressure from Jamie Gullan of Raith Rovers during the Scottish Cup match between Celtic FC and Raith Rovers FC at Celtic Park on February 08, 2025 (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

OF JUSTICE – 6.5/10 – What have Franco, Franz and Liam got in common? Well, apart from being world-class backline generals, they’ve also all captained their club. And tonight, for the finest half hour of his life, the Ginger Baresi, the Barndarigg Beckenbauer, got to wear the Celtic armband. A fine way to cap off a comfortable evening of picking passes and picking off the few forays at our lines.

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Callum McGregor of Celtic applauds the fans after the team’s victory in the Scottish Cup match between Celtic FC and Raith Rovers FC at Celtic Park on February 08, 2025 . (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

CALMAC – 6.5/10 – What the hell are you doing here? Thankfully, that only lasted an hour before our skipper – FINALLY – got his feet up. A fraught hour, may I tell you, of wincing at his every involvement – although sprinkled with class, the trauma of possible injury wracked my nerves.

Especially after…

Paulo Bernardo of Celtic leaves the pitch injured during the Scottish Cup match between Celtic FC and Raith Rovers FC at Celtic Park on February 08, 2025 (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

SAINT BERNARDO – N/A – Damn. Just what you don’t need before the Champions League crunches. Mercifully, Paulo was the only casualty; even then, walking off. But took a bit of a ‘dunt’ you’d call it back in the day on his lower shin/ankle area.

HIGHLAND TOFFEE – 7/10 – Some stylish moves from Junior Jobson, a great assist for the Daizen treble, and plenty of rousing involvement to put the Skids on Raith’s ambitions (see what I did there, coincidentally and fittingly, fans of Fife rockers?). No doubt Luke’s got the class to fill the jersey. We now just await a major-game defining contribution for the Celtic seal of approval.

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YING – 7/10 – The bhoy’s a trier, and tonight he came up trumps after incessant effort, displaying neat feet and quick wits. Good to see him get a goal – well taken – and he can gain a bit of confidence from outings like this.

Daizen Maeda of Celtic reacts after scoring the opening goal during the Celtic FC v Raith Rovers FC – Scottish Cup match at Celtic Park on February 08, 2025 (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

LORD KATSUMOTO – 8/10 MOTM – Inscrutable, irrepressible. Wait ’til Bayern get a load of… Ah, for heaven’s sake.Still, maybe we can still sneak him in with a bowl-cut wig and cheeky grin – on this goalscoring spree there’s no telling the difference between him and our dear-departed killer mushroom; and that’s no Zombie-racist sentiment – that’s FACT. Daizen nets the hat-trick and totals up to 50 Hoops strikes. We wonder at the dynamic energy of this enigma, and some still don’t rate him; there should be a special dark room set aside in Paradise for those muppets.

Daizen Maeda of Celtic reacts after scoring the opening goal during the Celtic FC v Raith Rovers FC – Scottish Cup match at Celtic Park on February 08, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

TAKINTE – 6.5/10 – The Kuhn getting in tune! Love to watch his effortless glide and the pinged deliveries. Got a good warm-up for Bayern and we can expect him raring to get at those “Backpfeifengesicht Bavarian bananenbiegers!”* as he calls them.**

*’Bavarian banana-benders whose faces need a slap’, apparently.

**or maybe not.

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SUBS –

Jota of Celtic looks on from the substitutes bench prior to the Scottish Cup match between Celtic FC and Raith Rovers FC at Celtic Park on February 08, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

NOTEBOOK – N/A – Haircut by Arkham Asylum Barbers, swished on for a jolly, and promptly displayed the worst touch since Emperor Barron Trump pressed the nuclear launch button in 2076.

*apologies for spoilers from the future. Do not be alarmed; you’ll be deid, anyway.

KENNY JOHNNY – N/A – Tore around for a while after almost scoring with his first touch.

HAKUNA HATATE – 6/10 – Rather miffed at having his Saturday sake session interrupted early, Reo cruised but did nothing too spectacular bar the odd adventurous ball.

Arne Engels of Celtic is seen prior to the Celtic FC v Raith Rovers FC – Scottish Cup match at Celtic Park on February 08, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

THE TERMINATOR – N/A – Another in tuning mode for midweek, pinged a couple of nice passes and Sebo-ed one into the Jock Stein for yuks.

APOLLO CREED – N/A – Back for another round! Why do we not see this rock enough? Because he’s not you-know-who’s purchase? Play him more. Let’s judge him fairly. Can’t recall him putting a foot wrong when called upon; certainly his one-on-one recovery block tonight showed he’s got the right qualities.

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THE NOTAPRODDYGAL – 7/10 – Lots of changes – maybe not as many as expected – but trust in the system got the job done barely out of second gear overall after a zippy start; as he no doubt requested. Only one knock for him to worry about, but the Bayern team’s already picked in his heid so no trouble there.

MIBBERY – 2/10 – No cards? Can’t recall. But no impact required tonight – they knew this contest was beyond even their influence and any effort they could muster. Besides, they’ve all got to travel North tonight in a black minibus and beat up somebody called Fraser who lives in some burgh, and leave a severed goat’s head in his bed, for reasons yet undisclosed by their Elder God overlords.

Daizen Maeda of Celtic is seen prior to the Celtic FC v Raith Rovers FC – Scottish Cup match at Celtic Park on February 08, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

OVERALL – 7/10 – A professional display of competence to get the expected result and place in the last 8. Barry ‘Barmy Roaster’ Robson was a battling Skelper of a player – best debut ever – and I anticipated a bit of rough-housery from his team. But the Celts were exceptionally quick out the blocks and Raith couldn’t engage as they were spanked harshly in the first quarter of an hour. The scoreline didn’t reflect the psychological damage done to Rovers in the opening exchanges but it did curb some of their enthusiasm and the dread of a proper doing loomed at the back of their minds.

That slender lead in contradiction to the performance was rectified in the minutes either side of half-time and the relaxing certainty of victory let the anticipated changes, refresh everyones’ legs and minds for the oncoming confrontation with another German powerhouse.

Will we avoid a Dortmund demolition, and celebrate another Leipzig blitzkrieg? Only Nostradamus knows. So does our local witch, but she ain’t telling either. And she’s not getting yet another human sacrifice; There’s hardly any nuns left in the nunnery now. So we must venture forth into the fog of CL war knowing that, come Wednesday, only the French Resistance will have fought Germans more times than us in such a short few months. And it worked out okay in the end for them.

Vive le Hoops.

Go Away Now

Sandman

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