Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Baron Munchausen | OneFootball

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v BARON MUNCHAUSEN…

Kasper Schmeichel of Celtic acknowledges the fans following the UEFA Champions League Knockout Play-off First Leg match between Celtic and Bayern München at Celtic Park on February 12, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 8/10 – It’s all in the feet when you’re an experienced netminder. Just like Necromancer at the opposite end, our Danish viking Ghod has incorporated his boots into his goalkeeping arsenal. He can certainly play out comfortably but tonight his shot-stopping with those longboat feet was exceptional. A wonderful signing for these elevated heights.

Michael Olise of Bayern Munich scores his team’s first goal during the UEFA Champions League Knockout Play-off First Leg match between Celtic FC and FC Bayern München at Celtic Park on February 12, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

GREGGS THE BAKER – 5/10 – Damn. Levels. Greggs found his, and it wasn’t the lofty perches of previous top-level bake-offs. From the early moments the wizardry he faced had him spooked and hemmed in. Which meant two things – ONE: he was condemned to a night of one-on-one and severely outmatched; although most full-backs in world football would be. TWO: we were starved of his additional inverted presence in midfield, meaning a harder shift for the bhoys in there because – you-know-who, Brendanistas – ‘doesn’t believe’ in a Holding/Defensive midfielder. More of THAT later. So Greggs, worn, covered in flour, flapping about like wet dough slogged on, popped a few passes out the park but held his own until the fateful moment; just a millisecond of fatal indecision about whether or not to take the long ball high with his head or let it drop…Bzzzz! wrong. it’s CL, don’t think; act. 0-1, 5 seconds to half-time. His toils continued until the hook. Not his worst. Not his best. But those fine lines – got to try and stay the right side of them…

Auston Trusty, Adam Idah, Alistair Johnston, Arne Engels and Jeffrey Schlupp of Celtic acknowledge the fans following during the UEFA Champions League Knockout Play-off First Leg match between Celtic and Bayern München at Celtic Park on February 12, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

WAYNE GRETZKY – 8.5/10 MOTM – A megalithic rock amongst mere men. Terrific aerial defensive presence. Surprisingly; it was AJ winning the majority of crucial headers in our own goalmouth; The desperate irony of the only one he didn’t meet all night led to their winner. But that’s NOT really on him at all. His job had evidently been defined – go win those crosses – and we’d seen it in spectacular style, with goal-stopping physical domination. That wasn’t all – The Moose got loose on them second-half and was the major attacking influence down our right. Been absolute justice if he had seen his thumping strike bulge the net for a grandstand finale, instead of being clawed wide by the flailing hands of one of the planet’s best goalies; who defied AJ’s stunning almost-equalising crossfield swooper of a ball to Jota in a similar loathsome Third-Reich-Kommandant-Poster-Kinder manner.

Harry Kane of Bayern Munich shakes hands with Auston Trusty of Celtic following the UEFA Champions League Knockout Play-off First Leg match between Celtic and Bayern München at Celtic Park on February 12, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

CRUSTY THE CLOWN – 6.5/10 – A busy night for the big ghuy. And overall, he got through it okay under some severe pressure. Nothing daft; competed well and kept his focus. Reminded me of the Atalanta game where he really arrived in The Hoops. Stood up as well as he did there to quality attacking threats.

GET CARTER – 5.5/10 – Got to say I’m disappointed. All his regular excellence was on show at different points in the evening but the suicidal tie-defining moment has to lie on the big shoulders of the man in charge of organising the defence. To let that lisping perennial loser float unnoticed at the backpost killing zone is a criminal offence on the level of your Ryan Air pilot hitting Thirty Thousand feet and asking, “Hey, did anyone shut the door?” They’ll still be running it back and debating just HOW as I type. Hopefully.

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Jamal Musiala of Bayern Munich is challenged by Callum McGregor of Celtic during the UEFA Champions League Knockout Play-off First Leg match between Celtic and Bayern München at Celtic Park on February 12, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

CALMAC – 6/10 – Boo! We’re behind you! And beside you. And up your rear-end like a Drugs Enforcement Officer in Miami Airport who refuses to believe those ‘Hunners And Thousands” are genuine ‘candy’. The fool. But that’s another tale. This was Calmac’s Alamo. Beseiged at every touch. It took all his studied, cultured nous to get anywhere at all, and have any influence around their startlingly oppressive pressing. If only he had some help…More of THAT later. He managed best he could – that is to say our genuinely top-class skipper refused to fold and battered on with intensity until he could exert some dominance for the last fifteen and give them something to think about.

Leroy Sane of Bayern Munich passes the ball whilst under pressure from Arne Engels of Celtic during the UEFA Champions League Knockout Play-off First Leg match between Celtic and Bayern München at Celtic Park on February 12, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

THE TERMINATOR – 6.5/10 – Some test. Raised in the Bundesliga, here come the Bavarian overlords to remind you of the furious demands. And, like Calmac, he refused to kow-tow to their dominance. Once we got him on the ball his lively will to incite some forward momentum was uplifting. Mentally, he’s years ahead of his age. Maybe someone in beside him doing spade-work might have benefited us some winning moments off his footballing wits…More of THAT later. His deliveries remain splendid and threatening and we really need to task someone at pain of crucifixion to get on the end of them; half a dozen or more neglected tonight.

HAKUNA HATATE – 5.5/10 – The nearly mhan. All evening, I’m thinking Reo’s going to burst into life, turn them, punish them, open the backline with a killer ball, smash something in form twenty yards. Then, as fatigue drained his edge, I’m thinking – surely he’s going to be subbed to change it up somewhat? I’m still waiting.

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Daizen Maeda of Celtic scores against Bayern Munich in the Champions League match on February 12, 2025. Photo IMAGO.

LORD KATSUMOTO – 7.5/10 – The mhan who never was. Late repreive and late resurgence in a game that looked to have passed him – and us, in fairness – by. Then after 65 minutes it was gimmie gimmie gimmie Daizen down the middle, and didn’t that escalate quickly… Manuel Neuer almost ended up Manuel from Fawlty Towers as Daizen went all Daizen for the closing period, hustling them into frantic defending, scoring our lifeline – a Celtic record; congrats Daizen – and fancying himself for another. Japan play him centrally at the highest level. We see why. So too should BR, and big Adam…

Adam Idah of Celtic battles for possession with Dayot Upamecano of Bayern Munich during the UEFA Champions League Play-off First Leg match between Celtic and Bayern München at Celtic Park on February 12, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

DUNCAN IDAHO – 5.5/10 – The difference was evident. No Kyogo to buzz and bother so Idah’s task was straightforward – get in about them; in behind. NOT, in the way…Sadly too anxious after half a minute and the dream start collapsed. Used his physique well enough but couldn’t impose himself at a consistent rate that gave them pause at the back. They were far too comfortable. His fitness levels need upping if he wants to make an impact in the CL stratosphere.

TAKINTE – 6/10 – The Revenge Of Kuhn…Lasted less than a minute. Oh, the gut-punch of that wonderful opener falling to a spurious offside. After that, we expected Nick to slice and dice them; but his service was spartan to say the least, and what started in such a glorious manner faded into frustrated glimpses of beautiful futures that died on the studs of defiant Bayern boots.

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SUBS –

Hyunjun Yang lifts his jersey as the final whistle blows with Reo Hatate on the ground in front, dejected Celtic v Bayern Munich, UEFA Champions League, Knockout Round Play-offs, First Leg, Football, Celtic Park on 12 February 2025 Photo Stuart Wallace Shutterstock

YING – 6/10 – Ying/Yang, jings, man. That ingenue energy carried over from his domestic forays and he actually made a noticeable contribution once on and getting stuck in about them. But for the quality of opposition and their able last-ditch interventions, he may have manufactured some glorious opportunities.

Jota of Celtic reacts to missed opportunity Celtic v Bayern Munich, UEFA Champions League, Knockout Round Play-offs, First Leg at Celtic Park on 12 February 2025. Photo Stuart Wallace/Shutterstock

NOTEBOOK – 5.5/10 – Ah, the great Whamtastic comeback. So nearly notched the equaliser with barley his first touch as he honed in on a wonderful crossfieldball by AJ only to have reaching fingertips alter the course of history. Normally it somehow seems a script written for Jota, but the big moment came tonight – the cut-back to the edge of the box, onto his strongest foot, made to be lashed into the roof of the net in a similar fashion to their opener… Nope. Fielded by big Terry in the Jock Stein hospitality.

SCLUPPTHE ‘RA – 6/10 – Jeffrey! Jeffrey! Which Jeffrey were we getting? From Rainbow, or Dahmer? What a game to be introduced to. A thankless task some might say; No – flaming terrifying. After watching Greggs get filleted he may have thought his remit was akin to being thrown into the tiger enclosure with a toothbrush right after they’d had dinner. But he asserted himself well and was a positive force for the closing game-time.

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Brendan Rodgers, Manager of Celtic, acknowledges the fans following the UEFA Champions League Knockout Play-off First Leg match between Celtic and Bayern München at Celtic Park on February 12, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

THE NOTAPRODDYGAL – 6.5/10 – Alright, THAT climate activist in the corner of room should be addressed after escaping a rinsing at the hands of Bundesliga Celtic…You went toe-to-toe, 3 in the middle; what did you expect? Our bhoys are good. They’re not top-level CL good, so why in the name of Jesus do you not give them a helping hand in there to let them breathe a little at these stratospheric heights? People thought Angeball was too easily neutered at this level, even with its inverted fullbacks overload. So what about Brendanbaw? – Overwhelm the midfield three and half your team’s isolated and chasing like demented dugs.

The ‘I don’t need a defensive/holding midfelder shtick is tedious. A savage tasked with only hunting down the opposition/ball is the CL hero we need. So throw in a fourth  and give us a fighting chance at getting some sort of competitive edge in that pivotal midfield area, instead of relying on three valiant musketeers to press and hustle until their legs are wobbling THEN expect them to be fresh enough to create chances to take something from the game. Man, I don’t know. Ain’t my place or job, but sure isn’t anything more than ego on The Brodge’s part; sacrifice a winger, play Daizen middle Kuhn/Jota wide – we’ll still get the same forward impetus, the opportunity to overload on breaks with our dynamism. Which can be refreshed at any time, by the way…And maybe in such case we may not just have to suffer being pinned-in and played with like mice for 70 arduous minutes.

MIBBERY – 5/10 – I thought we got rid of Luis Palma? Here he was, rocking up dressed as a ref… Would we get a break? Nope. But he wasn’t bad – still all smiley and, unfortunately, got all the big calls correct without ‘accidentally’ slipping one for us as a favour. Evidently not a fan of BR. Jesus wept Luis…

OVERALL – 7/10 – Tuesday night: Sporting Lisbon – lost 3, pumped at home, Breasts of France – lost 3, pumped at home, Man Citeh – lost 3, pumped at home… The company was good keeping in case we fell into it. And for a pretty long period of time it looked like we just might. Bayern even dressed up as MIBs to try and unsettle us. Not that they needed to – their terrifying possessive attitude to the football was enough. Cowed we were after the start of starts was cruelly reset to anguished conjecture. Too passive, standing off and admiring their nimble athleticism. But we hung in there like a Zombie at an exorcism, holding onto the CL spirit, defying Bayern until it looked like they were getting bored and turning their thoughts to Oktoberfest’s abundant cleavages.

Then it came – all-too-frequently known CL calamity…A 5-second-to-respite concession, followed a mere ten minutes of match progress later by the daftest Sunday League hangover piece of dreadful organised marking I’ve ever seen from a Celtic side in Europe:

Harry Kane of Bayern Munich celebrates scoring his team’s second goal during the UEFA Champions League 2024/25 League Knockout Play-off First Leg match between Celtic and Bayern München at Celtic Park on February 12, 2025.. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

One of the world’s deadliest – and lispiest – strikers was allowed a FREE volley INSIDE our six-yard box from a CORNER. And of course he was going to bury it – with his standing leg of all things too; He’s still never forgiven Ford Keirnan for the Chewin’ The Fat wallies whistle sketch, thinking it a personal insult. So, alongside the Brugge calamity we manage to manufacture something a whole lot more costly and less forgivable against one of Europe’s best sides, the epic German champion. Nuremberg Trials less forgivable. But the Bhoys have learned resilience, and with great fortitude they refused to lie down, biting back like mad dugs and almost took some fingers off.

Celtic fans display tifo before kick-off Celtic v Bayern Munich, UEFA Champions League, Knockout Round Play-offs, First Leg, Celtic Park, 12 February 2025 Photo Stuart Wallace Shutterstock

THAT has been our major improvement in Europe this season – resurgence and the mental strength to force parts of seemingly insurmountable games our way or get something out of unlikely situations. So next week’s unenviable task will be to avoid dropping the drawers and bending over for a Bavarian rodgering, and to take the game to them, find the first goal and see what they do about it.

Of course, that’s easier said than done, and I’m pretty sure I know what they’ll do about it…But let’s trust these Bhoys to give it one last hurrah and make sure the CL rodeo ends with us at least being thrown off the horse to glorious accolade rather than being kicked in the head and airlifted out early.

Go Away Now

Sandman

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