Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Killie Vanilli | OneFootball

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v KILLIE VANILLI…

Celtic goalkeeper Viljami Sinisalo applauds the fans at full-time. Final score Celtic 5 Kilmarnock 1. Celtic v Kilmarnock, Scottish Premiership, Celtic Park, 12 April 2025 Photo Stuart Wallace/Shutterstock

VINDALOO – 6/10 – Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s a ball…Awe Naw…So shocked to see some action after half an hour that he couldn’t adjust his feet to make the flukey cross that evaded his desperate grasp. ‘One of those’ that had him flummoxed and wearing the perplexed look of someone who thinks his cat has just started talking to him. But there’s an aura of confidence about young Vinny that you find in all great goalkeepers; a decisiveness that emanates responsibility and control – not afraid to make the calls or the mistakes; breeds confidence in a defence he’s not shy about berating or encouraging. So far, so impressive. Bigger tests to come but they’ll be met with relish, not anxiety, going by his demeanour; that’s what we in the goalkeeping fraternity (season and a half covering for injured first choice, amateur; Dino Zoff, let me tell you…) call a GOOD thing.

Greg Taylor arrives at Celtic Park. Celtic v Kilmarnock, Scottish Premiership, 12 April 2025. IMAGO Photo Stuart Wallace Shutterstock

GREGGS THE BAKER – 7/10 – Will he stay or will he go? Go seems to be the accepted rumour. But if so, then it’ll be with my best wishes for a guy who has been the very definition of application and betterment since he broke his unfancied way into the starting eleven. Like a true professional baker, he’s at his best when he’s busiest and the pastries are rising. There’s no truth in the rumour I started about him being the originator of the famous Killie pie when he was at the club, but that’s a little known FACT. So who better to face in maybe a final Celtic Park bake-off than his old club with another champions medal beckoning. Exhibited his worth – usual intensity for an hour, that little-recognised craftwork wins are built upon; some might say over the top – Calmac had to stress there was no need to sacrifice his first-born to Baphomet in the centre circle prior to kick-off.

WAYNE GRETZKY – 7/10 – It’s been a long stride through a long season for the great elken warrior and he’s carried the hopes of millions on his back heroically well across continents and oceans. And he’s newly married too, so a bit knackered, I’d expect…So does The Moose have a few more treks up and down the Celtic flank left in him? On this showing, all the way to the glorious end. Throwing in two assists, striding inside as Jamesy teased the flank, and ended up being subbed still visibly concussed by CCV’s howitzer.

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Anthony Ralston who scored Celtic s 5th goal shares a laugh with team mate Alistair Johnston of Celtic at full-time. Final score Celtic 5 Kilmarnock 1. Celtic v Kilmarnock, Scottish Premiership, Celtic Park, 12 April 2025 IMAGO Photo: Stuart Wallace Shutterstock

OF JUSTICE – 6.5/10 – Hmm… A return by default, or merit? Who knows, but Liam seized his moment. Nearly joined in the shooting range success once he’d got his sights in after passing out the park. A comfortable return to action.

Cameron Carter-Vickers of Celtic celebrates with team mates after scoring to give Celtic a 3-0 lead. Celtic v Kilmarnock, Scottish Premiership, Celtic Park, Glasgow, 12 April 2025. IMAGO Photo Stuart Wallace Shutterstock

GET CARTER – 7.5/10 –  The big mhan’s been a little grumpy of late, as every time he looks around he’s got a new partner; not unlike Bonnie Blue. Today it was the Ginger Baresi and the chance to rekindle/continue/renew an understanding; he’s not sure which one’s which in all the swapping confusion; not unlike Bonnie Blue. Anyway, bored at the back and not to be outdone, he chose to stride forward and Exocet one into the top corner like he’d been watching World Cup highlights from the Seventies. A moment that had 60,000 yelling in orgasmic delight; not unlike Bonnie Blue…

CALMAC – 7/10 – Is the Mac back? The skipper disappeared into the hazy Perthshire sunshine last second-half, presumably tripping on the local grass (not green…), which is now Perth’s only viable export, grown across vast acreage and explained away to inquiring authorities as ‘spongy heather’. So, straight again, it was title business in the old East End for CalMac The Knife. And he was a dagger to those blackest Ayrshire hearts. Back in total control mode, he rocked about making sure everyone knew who runs the show.

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THE TERMINATOR – 7/10 – Ahhh, wait for it. Wait for it… There you go. And his frothing critics got an exquisite sample of what sets this boy apart with a delayed, inspired killer pass for the second. Followed later by a calculated looping chip that pinged off the bar. There’s quality in them thar boots; As they say in Belgium.

Reo Hatate of Celtic scores to give Celtic a 4-0 lead. Celtic v Kilmarnock, Scottish Premiership, Celtic Park, 12 April 2025. Photo Stuart Wallace Shutterstock

HAKUNA HATATE – 8.5/10 MOTM – Reo’s been taking flak off the uninitiated in the fine art of drifting midfield play; more than earlier in the season he’s been finding a rhythm that’s had him scoring, creating and an integral part of our attacking narrative despite results being poor. His responsibility is dynamism, the pivotal member of the midfield three, there to inject sudden, swift and enterprising play to counter deep low blocks and tight defensive lines. It starts with his movement, poise, then precision – one-two, buckle you, as he opens up the game in the third minute with a beauty and closes it twenty minutes later with cool aplomb, nailing his second. May have had three but the man who’s kept hopes alive with his form through the slump flourished today as his compatriots woke up.

JAMESY – 7/10 – We’re holding out for a hero and Jamesy will sweep in at this tail-end of a season – as he did last year – to be that mhan, soundtracked by Bonnie Tyler (he knows her, apparently…Probably). Who would be the recipients of the sweet sixteen record? St.Johnstone got a narrow escape last week, Sleekit Deek’s relegation scrappers were next in line. And the anguish remains…But for want of trying. He was a breath of fresh meat for the balcony, zipping around for an hour, flicks, touches; torment for the defence. Yet it remained a classic Jamesy tease as he saves the big goal for the big occasion…

Cameron Carter-Vickers celebrates with fellow goalscorer Reo Hatate after scoring to give Celtic a 3-0 lead. Celtic v Kilmarnock, Scottish Premiership, Celtic Park, 12 April 2025. IMAGO Photo Stuart Wallace/Shutterstock

DUNCAN IDAHO – 6.5/10 – He needs a goal. Or twenty… But his involvement was more betterer, as wee thick Barry the Bhun might comment, and a composed touch would have put him on the scoresheet as well. He’s got half a dozen games to salvage his Celtic career, I’d estimate.

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Daizen Maeda of Celtic celebrates scoring to give Celtic a 2-0 lead. Celtic v Kilmarnock, Scottish Premiership, Celtic Park, Glasgow, 12 April 2025. IMAGO Photo Stuart Wallace Shutterstock

LORD KATSUMOTO – 8/10 – The supernatural samurai will not be denied. Cast out from his kingdom (the centre forward-spot) by his overlord nemesis (Bradan Rajaz) he still managed to find the net (twice, actually, you MIB  devilish sorcerers) and equal a Celtic record held by the greatest of all. Even after being hooked early last week from a losing position and shuffled outside to facilitate Idah this week. Even from the wing. So you play your 30-goal striker regardless. Because he’s scored 30 goals. And he might score again. And he DID. Even if you don’t think so, Brendan. Because you didn’t ever really think so anyway… Not with Kyogo, and now with Daizen. And there’s a pattern there. And it’s disturbing…So Daizen keeps the jersey? Of course… Maybe…Because it’s a meritocracy, right?

SUBS –

TAKINTE – 6/10 – The Kuhn’s been checked-out for a couple of months and his benching was justified. Question is, will he react positively or call it quits for the season because there’s a big summer move lined-up? He’s still got the flair, but does he really care? Fingers croseed.

NOTEBOOK – 6/10 – Some think he’s not totally fit. Well, checkout the big brains on Brads. Course he’s not – he’s been riding camels and smoking shishas and hanging out at debauched oasis jamborees for eighteen months. But he’s still Jota and he’s still a troublesome diamond to deploy on the wing no matter how rough cut he is at the moment.

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SCHLUPPTHE ‘RA – N/A –  Might be a litlte confused at the recent resistance put up against him by these Scottish jobbers, so a sobering spell on the sidelines to observe the consistency levels required will do no harm.

Anthony Ralston of Celtic celebrates scoring to give Celtic a 5-1 lead. Celtic v Kilmarnock, Scottish Premiership, Celtic Park, 12 April 2025 Photo Stuart Wallace Shutterstock

TONY THE TIGER – 6.5/10 – The formidable supersub with the snarling countenance shows us another face – deft goalscorer, by drilling home a last-ditch cracker after startlingly fancy footwork that’ll see his twinkle toes get broken down the building site Monday morning.

HIGHLAND TOFFEE – N/A – Look, it’s late Luke! But he didn’t get a Luke-in.

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Celtic Manager Brendan Rodgers steps off the Celtic team bus at Celtic Park. Celtic v Kilmarnock, Scottish Premiership, 12 April 2025. IMAGO Photo Stuart Wallace, Shutterstock

THE NOTAPRODDYGAL – 7.5/10 – Maybe the most interesting team selection of the season, considering his demeanour after Perth and the indications certain individuals had run out of good grace. Yet with a certain level of surprise, maybe not the individuals we suspected he meant. And as for big Rocky… Well, doubt there’s been such oppression of a Pole since the early 1940s.

And if we’re not doing meritocracy, then maybe a common-sense collective to counter favouritism and at least have our record-breaking goalscorer down the middle? Eh, nah. So Brendan is Brendan and we get a bit of bewilderment and a bit of a storming result. And we move onto the big treble-making clash next week still with furrowed brows.

MIBBERY – 3/10 – Gutted. Barely able to talk during that opening half an hour, they did manage to croak a barely credible VAR offside through emotion-racked voices. A tough day at the office for them, in the sweet knowledge it’s going to get even tougher..

OVERALL – 8.5/10 – So with this win we deliver to The Sheep their dream scenario – pump the Zombies out of a title. If ever there was an edge then today’s their day of relish; and ours too as the delightful proposition of two thousand travelling savages degenerates spending a whole day going to and from an event contrived of abject misery for them fills me with unhealthy glee.

Celtic filled me – and you – with sunny glee as the demolition of sleek Deek took less time than it did to sign away their old club for a quid. It was the electrifying reaction of champions to aberration, the rectifying of the Perth collapse of winners’ standards. We may be champions again by the time you read this, or still on the cusp; of that, and a treble. Make sure to savour it. Those magic days are coming again.

Go Away Now

Sandman

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